The Art of Avoiding the “Club Rub”

You’re moving, you’re shaking, you’re female and probably wearing something tight. The DJ is making everyone groove and you’re three drinks in.

Caught up in the moment, you grind the air and shake your bits, and suddenly, a stranger is spooning you so closely you can feel the print on his boxers, which of course, are sticking out the top of his pants.

His hands haven’t groped you yet, but give it a minute.

This is known as the anonymous “club rub," where a seemingly tantalizing woman is accosted from behind by a man with whom she has yet to make eye contact. Some people like it, some invite it, but most women agree there should be some minor protocol when it comes to dance floor grinding. The sad truth is, there isn’t likely going to be any such sensitization any time soon. So, here are a few tips for the ladies to side-step their bums being boggled by a stranger’s magic pack.

1 – Dance with friends: Usually, you are anyway. They come in handy, as you can swap spooning each other if Mr. Rubber comes for a quick bounce.

2 – Dance with your arms moving wildly. He won’t want to get a bloody nose, and you may just start a dance craze.

3 – At the first sign of your tush being crowded, turn around, stop dancing, point to your head and say “I have head lice,” then shake your head. Sure it’s a little humiliating, but guaranteed he’ll give you a wide berth.

4 – If accosted, quickly become a very bad dancer. Stepping on feet and falling over are perfectly reasonable actions, as is spilling your drink on Mr. Fire-crotch.

5 – Be frank. Turn around, and ask the gentleman to kindly desist from his actions, as by being a Rubber, he has now forgone any chance of getting your number, or making out with you by the lavatory. You never know, it may just work.

If all of these fail, consider changing dance clubs, or bring the hoop-skirt back into vogue.

Good luck!